Take time out to regret your life choices

What are you doing at this moment? Working, studying or playing? Funny, when I tried to generalize the main activities of life, I could only come up with these 3 verbs. I have spent a great part of my life playing, studying and lesser part working.

I still remember my parents' obsession that someone in the family should graduate with a degree. It's a family creed. Study hard boy, and show those aunties and uncles on your father's side that he is not a useless fool (as if my achievements would alter people's misconceptions). We quarelled often during my teens, and it climaxed to a ferocious fight in the late months of 1991, mum forcefully rejected my pleas to study literature. "You must be in the first class," goes her argument.

And so I floated on. In the uni, I met lots of people. Classmates, lecturers, canteen hawkers, co-op operators and of course, great friends. They helped to ease the flow of time and pretty soon, 3rd year came. I was in the Honors program, and needed to write a thesis for another year, while some friends moved on. Then, I was offered a job in a foreign bank and the GM spoke to me. "Grab opportunites if they come, and this is a great one. Why study honors? Only if you want to pursue an academic career, like my wife, a polytechnic lecturer. In the private sector, an honors will boost your starting pay, that's all." After much meandering, he cut through, "Go back to school tomorrow and tell them you will stop your honors program and work for me."

I didn't work for him. Partly because I wanted to fulfill a promise to my lecturer to complete the thesis (later I discovered she didn't really care). A greater part was due to my own cowardice. I was not prepared to go out to the world. I wanted to stay in the comforts of the uni and ponder somemore. About what, I didn't know then.

As the months flew by I graduated. Moving on, I grabbed the first job that came along. Decent pay, boorish bank job. Oh how I hated banks. The accumulation of money translates into perverse abusion of power. I once vowed to myself to never work in a bank. But I did, cos I wanted money and that was available. It lasted a year and sucked. Within that year, I met Susan from an ad agency. We talked, and she asked, "Chris, if you could choose a job, what would you want to do?" A warm rush came up and bursted, "I'll think of ads." After that, I quit to work on my portfolio (I'm showing it to a CD next Tuesday).

Susan probably never realized this. She was the first person in a long time to ask me what I really wanted to do. Not what I should do. Not what I had to do. Not what my close ones think I must do. I guess deep within, I have always heard that voice, but never listened till then. I'm glad I chose for myself the life I want. It's not easy, I can't sleep at night. I often worry about the state of my portfolio and I avoid the recruit section of the papers, where so many other choices seek to mislead.

Natalie Goldberg once wrote, "Trust in what you love, continue to do it and it will take you where you need to go. And don't worry too much about security. You will eventually have a deep security when you begin to do what you want. How many of us with our big salaries are actually secure anyway?"

And after that, I don't feel so bad.