And the anti-sunscreen

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '98,

People often ask me if I have any advice to offer. And when they do, I tell them this:

If you're unsure about what you're going to do with your life, try to remember, some of the most interesting people didn't know what they were going to do at age twenty-two or even at forty. And nearly all of them are unemployed drug addicts forced to live on cat food.

Also understand that friends will come and go, this is because of your irritating personality, nobody likes you. So if the only thing getting you through the day is the misconception that people like you, end it now. (bang)

Learn how to smoke Whinny Blues, if you're under-aged, get an older kid to buy them for you.

Get to really know your parents, they're good for money, milk them, then put them in an old people's home.

Travel as often as you can, live in New York City once, live in Northern California once, never live in Adelaide, It's a hole.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, if you do have children, lock them under the stairs.

Do one thing each day that scares you, sing, dance, jump in front of a car.

Do not trust anyone who tries to update Sheakespear for the kids, and if you see Quindon Tarver in the street, punch him in the face for me.

If you're worried about the way you look, try to remember, you're probably fatter than you think, maybe you should consider an eating disorder.

Don't worry too much about the future. If you're nervous about an exam, ring up your school to schedule time, and make a bomb threat.

If you're a girl, lie about period pains to get out of anything you don't want to do.

Cheat if you think you can get away with it. Remember, someone with richer parents is getting private tuition.

Shop-lift as often as you can, Shopping Centres factor shop-lifting into their prices, so if you don't do it, it's like they're getting money for free.

When you're on work experience, steal a cab-charge, and take a Taxi to Perth.

Wear sunscreen, but only if it's that coconut oil that gives you cancer.

Keep your old love letters, if you see an old lover in the street, try to run them over in your car.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or else by the time you're thirty-five, you'll look like Greg Matthews.

Remember you can wear your underwear four times without washing them, Forwards, Backwards, inside-out Forwards, inside-out Backwards.

Congregate in gangs around train stations and shopping centres, it's a free country,

It's public space. Skateboard on War Memorials.

Smoke in your School uniform.

Set off car alarms.

Plant Drugs on a teacher.

Join a cult.

Spike Drinks.

Don't flush public toilets.

Remember, only you will truly take care of you, so carry a concealed weapon.

Don't wear your 'P' plates.

Walk around with your eye lids rolled back.

Touch your tongue on the tip of batteries.

Be open to new love. Remember, you can't get pregnant the first time you have sex.

Expect others to support you, it's easy to get the doll and still do cash in hand work.

Respect your elders, when your grandma dies, have her stuffed.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when you're knee capped by a loan shark.

Get revenge, don't forgive anyone for anything,

But most of all, don't aim too high, you're probably only suited to an office or factory job.

And trust me on the Whinny Blues.

Sunscreen

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97.

Wear Sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year- olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody's else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Dont' be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths. Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Everything happens for a reason

Season 2 of Lost has premiered in the US. What will happen to Sawyer, Jin and Michael? What is in the hatch? And the others? Expect some (not all) answers this season.

And the numbers. 4 8 15 16 23 42. They are significant this season as well. So much so that fans have devoted a blog to investigate the minute details we forgo. Like:

4:
- # of years Locke was in his wheelchair.
- # of guns in the marshall's case.
- # of aces on Boone's T-shirt.
- # of years since Hurley's grandfather got his pacemaker.
- Driveshaft is #234 on the jukebox (23 and 4).

16:
- # of years Danielle's distress signal has been looping.
- # of weeks since someone won the lottery before Hurley.
- # of years since Sam and Lenny heard the numbers.
- Jack, Kate, and Charlie found the pilot 16 hours after the crash.

Here's a personal favourite.
23: # of times Jack hits Charlie on the chest while performing CPR before Kate tells him to stop.

Some people have way way too much time.

South Park

Tomorrow is Friday, so that makes it an excellent excuse to skip work and make your own South Park character.

A 1,000 different sicko combis to choose from. Hurry!

Bullshot

Here we go again

The latest iPod killer is... another iPod. The iPod nano has officially murdered the iPod Mini, and the competition. Check out the black one. Cool.

Warcries, anybody?

Help function

I think Nintendo DS (handheld) has a sketch-&-chat function. I don't know. I can't be bothered.

Funny comic though.

Demons

Nicknamed the Noonsday Demon, depression, is the monster that hugs our souls and infects our minds with its paralytic venom. It is called so, as Andrew Solomon says, because it manifests in our plain sight and refuses to go away. Other demons, like greed or lust, can be defeated if we can see them as the pits of our consciousness. But depression, the stubborn kid, manifests in the pride of the sunny weather, shape, size and all, and pokes at our pathetic self, making ridiculous remarks in the process.

Why can't we erase it from our minds, even after we see it as it is?

Scientists everywhere have been trying to solve it for years. But nothings avails yet. Personally, I feel depression is merely a disguise. A mutation of a deeper problem that we deny. Through running and hiding from the deeper problem, we give it strength and endurance. It becomes the Noonsday Demon.

Having looked inside, I have identified my real problem as rage. Uncontrollable anger that overtakes me and changes me into another person. Not unlike The Incredible Hulk, except I don't grow muscles and turn green.

My sister was the catalyst that got me thinking. Every Sunday, after a tutition session, I always fume at the edges of insanity. I am unhappy at her progress. How she keeps making the same basic mistakes that I've been correcting for the last 3 months. That irks me a lot. I've shouted at her. Howled at her. Scolded her. Though I've never physically hit her, I believe the damage I've done to her is the same, if not greater.

But that is wrong. So wrong. She's only 11. A kid. An age for mistakes. And I have no right to hurt her, no matter the circumstances.

Someone smart once said, "You are no bigger than the thing that angers you."

So I thought about it. Went deeper within my memories. And I discovered many, many cases of my rage in the past. They usurped my conscious and like a man possessed, I have done harm to many people. I don't know how the people affected feel. But I fear myself so much. I run. I hide. I repress. Hence, I'm depressed and I erase my memories. I refuse to recall.

Enough. I am not running anymore. I will confront this beast by its horns.

Natalie Goldberg wrote that demons exist within our hearts to guard the treasures. Rage is my demon, not depression. And I intend to get past it to behold the shining gems.

Evil

Screenshot from World of Warcraft. Yes. This is how the actual game looks like when you play. Pure evil.