Best-selling Horror titles of all times

1. Babies: 10 Months of Hell and a Lifetime of Suffering

2. History of the Human Race

3. Bankruptcy for Dummies

4. Help! My Relatives Are Into Multi-Level Marketing!

5. P.M.S.

6. Debugging Windows Programs

7. Why You'll Never Escape The Rat Race

8. The Best Company to Work For: Enron

9. The Thin Commandments : Ten Strategies for Permanent Weight Loss

10. How to Win Arguments With Your Wife

Weather report

You are flipping to the weather report on your daily newspaper, and notice that there's no information at all in today's news. Is it a printing error?

No, it's one hell of a cool advertorial.

Kawaii

Shameless

Stumbled onto an excellent blog, Men of Clay. A wholesome combi of books, history and trivia, great nutrition for the feeble mind.

Unashamedly, I copy wholesale a lovely entry here.

Arthur Godman, who has died aged 87, wrote more than 50 textbooks on mathematics and science, and was the author of a remarkable memoir of his time as a Japanese prisoner of war, The Will To Survive (2002).

Throughout his three and a half year ordeal, Godman never lost his sense of the ridiculous. When the British surrendered Singapore, he recalled there was a rumour that Lt-General Percival had gone to meet the Japanese High Command to discuss the conditions under which British PoWs would be held. "After accommodation, food and pay had been settled, the Japanese said they were going to allow one comfort girl per 10 officers.

'Good God,' was Percival's reply.

"The Japanese went into a huddle and came back and said that maybe they had been a bit stingy, so how about one comfort girl per six officers. Percival was stung to reply, 'British officers do not need that kind of woman'. Back went the Japanese into another huddle and deliberated on the upbringing of British officers and their method of schooling and came back with an offer.

"They said it would be rather difficult, but they might manage one small boy per 50 officers." An enraged Percival, Godman recorded, retorted: "British officers do not do anything like that either."

Inspiration

I overheard this once.

Inspiration dwells in your heart. Know where your heart lies and you'll find inspiration.

What Employment Ads Really Mean

"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train you.

"Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

"Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.

"Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control.

"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You will need to replace three people who just left.

"Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.

"Requires Team Leadership Skills" - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

"Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.

Part of the job

I have a weak spot for honesty in recruitment ads. Here's one.

Copy reads: JWT Detroit seeks a copywriter and an art director, but not necessarily a team. After all, depression is so much better when endured alone. Write to john.mayes@jwt.com to suffer.

Who needs bloody enemies?

LeBron sinks jumpers from edge of the court

A TVC which got the US talking abt recently.

LeBron James, btw, is one of the hottest NBA stars of the moment. Some have dared to compare him to Michael Jordan.

In case you were wondering, this ad is not real, unlike the Honda 606 TVC.

fake Puma ad

fake Nike ad

copy reads "You may not survive the blast. But your shoes will."

What makes an ad gold?

hmm.... uh huh... ... mmm....

ARGH!!!

Maintainence problems & solutions

Here are some actual (alleged) logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution or action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Phone messages

Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, this is Jason's voice. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. If you do too, leave them after the beep.

"Hello? ...Hello? ...Hellooo? I'm sorry, you're gonna have to speak up, I can't hear you... That's 'cuz I'm not home! Leave a message. BEEP."

Hello, you have reached the _______ family and we can not come to the phone right now. Please leave your name, phone number, short message, social security number, and credit card number and we will call you when we're done shopping.

Hello. I'm not at home right now because I'm out making changes in my life so leave a message and if I don't call you back, you're probably one of those changes. (BEEP)

Hi, I am a machine. Why do you hate talking to me? I never hurt anyone. Can we talk after the beep?

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that.

Suicide Hotline...please hold.

Bush here. I'm not in, so please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

x-filey crap

Came across this old bits of dialogue on X-files. Lol for Thomas Crapper

Scully (picking up the phone): Mulder, are you okay?
Mulder: I can't sleep.
Scully: What happened out at the USDA site?
Mulder: They're conducting legitimate experiments. I met an entomologist, a Dr. Berenbaum, who agrees with your theory of an accidental importation of a new cockroach.
Scully: Did he give you any idea of how to catch them?
Mulder: No... but she did tell me everything else there was to know about insects.
Scully: ...She?
Mulder: Yeah, did you know that the ancient Egyptians worshipped the scarab beetle and possibly erected the pyramids to honour them? Which may be giant symbolic dung heaps?
Scully: Did you know the inventor of the flush toilet was named Thomas Crapper?
Mulder: Bambi also has a theory I've never come across...
Scully: Who?
Mulder: Dr. Berenbaum... Anyway her theory is...
Scully: Her name is Bambi?
Mulder: Yeah, both her parents were naturalists. Her theory is that UFOs are actually nocturnal insect swarms passing through electrical air fields.
Scully: Her name is Bambi?
Mulder: Scully, can I confess something to you?
Scully (not quite sure what she's getting herself into): Yeah, sure, okay...
Mulder: I hate insects.
Scully: You know lots of people are afraid of insects, Mulder. It's a natural instinctive...
Mulder: No, no, no. I'm not afraid of them. I hate them. One day, back when I was a kid, I was climbing this tree when I noticed this leaf walking towards me. It took forever for me to realise that it was no leaf.
Scully: A praying mantis?
Mulder: Yeah, I had a praying mantis epiphany and as a result, I screamed. And not... not a girlie scream, but the scream of someone being confronted by some before unknown monster that had no right existing on the same planet I inhabited. Did you ever notice how a praying mantis' head resembles an alien's head? The mysteries of the natural world were revealed to me that day but instead of being astounded I was repulsed.
Scully: Mulder, are you sure it wasn't a girlie scream?

Samsy

We first met Marcus of a certain ad agency on the 11th Feb 2005. He reviewed our work and gave some fair criticism, and also gave us a new brief to work on. Samsonite, and the challenge was to say worldproof of it. A challenge, for it is (in his own words) one of the hardest briefs to crack.

During this period, we did research and went thru the ad books to see what previous Samsy ads were about. Samsy, it seems, is a favourite among spec ads, others have posted their ideas on the net. What we came up with were already done before by others. This convergence of thinking sure is strange.

So, after some hard work, we had around 30 ideas and 2 meetings with him. Everything flunked except for 2. Those 2 survivors were only deserving of a bronze whereas we should be doing gold standards.

Today was the 2nd meeting. 18th Mar 2005. I will remember today.

Look at it this way

Do you constipate?

If you have less than 4 bowel activities in a week, you have constipation. Your stool is hard and dry and sometimes it hurts. Rumour has it that you might even bleed.

Unknown to many, constipation is a moving moment. Song writers have been touched to tears by their own conditions that they wrote a song on it.

Screamin' Jay Hawkins wrote and sang "Constipation Blues" while suffering a serious bout. He had the following to say about the condition.

"I never before had been constipated in my life and it didn't dawn on me until I was five hours on the stool in the hospital that nothin' was gonna happen. I had doctors give me enemas and still nothin' happened. I had tears in my eyes, and I noticed this beautiful roll of toilet paper and I took out a pencil and, at the bottom of the toilet paper, I started writin' the song backwards, from the bottom up. The more I rolled out the toilet paper, the more I got into the song. I wrote exactly as I felt, each movement, each sound, each pain..."

All I can think of is... ouch...

Who wants a hot dog?

You can find out how good your date is in bed if you buy her a hot dog and watch how she eats it. The story says that a frankfurter (hot dog) resembles the male sex organ. Hmmmm. Here are the tips from Weekly World News:

1. Your date picks at and nibbles her dog. "Not a good sign if you're looking forward to a lusty round of adventurous sex," says Kenwood. "Women who pick and nibble are afraid to take chances or try anything new."

2. Your date snatches the dog off its bun, wags it in the air and then swallows it whole. "This isn't a woman for older gentlemen or guys with weak hearts," says Kenwood.

3. Your date puzzles over her hot dog, and then puts it back down on her plate. "Sounds like you're out with a lesbian," says Kenwood. "Better luck next time."

Go help somebody else