The Chronicles of Narnia

I have just watched the Chronicles of Narnia. Normally I won't do this, but the desire to release myself from this experience compels me to comment. Hopefully the writing will grant me peace.

Once again, Disney has brought a children fantasy to life on the silver screen. The movie lasts 140 minutes, though it was supposed to be a standard 90 minutes. Rumour has it that the editors fell sick due to over-exposure from the film. Even censors refused to go near it without chemical warfare protection.

In the movie, 4 British children enter the magical land of Narnia through a wardrobe. Now Narnia happens to be a tourist-free country because there are no immigration officers at the other end of the wardrobe, searching for terrorists, bombs or drugs. Instead, it is a land free of humans, if you excuse a nasty witch.

By accident, 8 year-old Lucy wanders into the wardrobe and meets a fawn. In case you are wondering, a fawn resembles a genetic mixup between a man and a goat. He excels in seducing young girls to his house with tea, toast and sardines. I don't know why, but the word paedophile keeps popping into my head. Maybe Disney Corp picked up a British newspaper.

Talking animals make up the majority of the Narnia population and they are divided into 2 camps: the witch party and the lion tribe. The witch is the incumbent tyrant. The lion, king of beasts and all, plots high treason because he hasn't had any Christmas gifts for a hundred years. And it was because Santa Claus took an extended break and pinned the blame on the witch... No wait, that part was from The Grinch That Stole Christmas.

And there's supposed to be a prophecy that every animal in Narnia knows because it's standard kindergarten material. One day, 4 kids would come and rescue them from the cold bitch. Now that must be true, because I saw the same storyline in The Matrix.

One part that confuses me though: why is Narnia a magical land when the witch is the only one who casts magic? Sure there are satyrs, minotaurs and talking beavers, but I really fail to appreciate the magic. You would have expected the 4 kids to wield a wand, chant some spells or toss some fireballs. But no, they did not. Sigh... But I can't blame them, can I? There's no magic in A Series of Unfortunate Events too.

Moving on... Kids meet witch. Kids run away to join the lion's gang. Kids fight and witch dies. Kids become kings and queens of Narnia. Lion takes a long walk along the coastline and forgets to come back. Kids go back to the real world. All's well that ends well. Freakingly, wholesomely, nicely boring stuff.

Excuse me, Disney executives, have you heard of the wizard Harry Porter? No? Oh nevermind.