Demons

Nicknamed the Noonsday Demon, depression, is the monster that hugs our souls and infects our minds with its paralytic venom. It is called so, as Andrew Solomon says, because it manifests in our plain sight and refuses to go away. Other demons, like greed or lust, can be defeated if we can see them as the pits of our consciousness. But depression, the stubborn kid, manifests in the pride of the sunny weather, shape, size and all, and pokes at our pathetic self, making ridiculous remarks in the process.

Why can't we erase it from our minds, even after we see it as it is?

Scientists everywhere have been trying to solve it for years. But nothings avails yet. Personally, I feel depression is merely a disguise. A mutation of a deeper problem that we deny. Through running and hiding from the deeper problem, we give it strength and endurance. It becomes the Noonsday Demon.

Having looked inside, I have identified my real problem as rage. Uncontrollable anger that overtakes me and changes me into another person. Not unlike The Incredible Hulk, except I don't grow muscles and turn green.

My sister was the catalyst that got me thinking. Every Sunday, after a tutition session, I always fume at the edges of insanity. I am unhappy at her progress. How she keeps making the same basic mistakes that I've been correcting for the last 3 months. That irks me a lot. I've shouted at her. Howled at her. Scolded her. Though I've never physically hit her, I believe the damage I've done to her is the same, if not greater.

But that is wrong. So wrong. She's only 11. A kid. An age for mistakes. And I have no right to hurt her, no matter the circumstances.

Someone smart once said, "You are no bigger than the thing that angers you."

So I thought about it. Went deeper within my memories. And I discovered many, many cases of my rage in the past. They usurped my conscious and like a man possessed, I have done harm to many people. I don't know how the people affected feel. But I fear myself so much. I run. I hide. I repress. Hence, I'm depressed and I erase my memories. I refuse to recall.

Enough. I am not running anymore. I will confront this beast by its horns.

Natalie Goldberg wrote that demons exist within our hearts to guard the treasures. Rage is my demon, not depression. And I intend to get past it to behold the shining gems.